January 30, 2016

Of Heartaches

जिनकी याद ने मुझे आज पागल कर छोड़ा
भुला देने की जुर्रत ने बेहाल कर छोड़ा

शायद हम मिले न होते तोह अच्छा होता
उनकी आँखों से मेरा कतल तोह न होता

बातों ही बातों में ये प्यार न होता
न पाने का गम इतना ज़्यादा तोह न होता

उनकी याद ने आज मुझे पागल कर छोड़ा
भुला देने की जुर्रत ने बेहाल कर छोड़ा

December 4, 2015

Of Layers

Every person has many layers. Very few have seen my inner layers. I don't know if they liked it or not. They never stuck around.

But I thank those people for making me the person who I am today. They have often unknowingly shaped me in more ways than one.

November 21, 2015

Of Contentment

I had the most amazing birthday this year. Like really.

I tried hard to screw it up, but no it was actually amazing.

I did *not* screw up.

:)

Of Times You Totally Screwed Up

You screwed up man. You really did.

Stay back.
Stay put.
Accept it.
Move on.

Nope. Sorry, I know it's not easy.

...

One of those times when real joy brings with it, a taste of real sadness. Shooo.

November 19, 2015

Of Paranoia

I was heading back home. So was my friend. But we were in different cars. I was looking out.

I saw one car overtaking another. One car stalled on the road. Possibly in an accident? Which car is that? Is it my friend?? Driver stop! Oh my god! She is hurt! She is unconscious! So much blood! Driver we need to take her to the nearest hospital asap! *hyperventilating* I should call my other friends. I hope she is okay... I really hope she is alright.

Thud. *crash* My head is spinning. Throbbing. I am bleeding. The driver is unconscious. I think.

She is safe!

October 24, 2015

Of Friends

Friends are either radios or microphones.

Radios are answer machines. They "know" you, they are going to "solve" all your problems. Just listen to them.

Microphones just absorb whatever you have to say and echo it back to you. They won't solve your problems. But just talk to them.

I like microphones. I hate radios.

October 15, 2015

Of Love

I am a reasonable person.

All I want is for someone to love me. Love me. Truly. Deeply. Madly.

That's it.

May 23, 2015

Of Knowing

"The more you know who you are, and what you want, the less you let things upset you."
- Bob Harris, Lost in Translation 

March 16, 2015

Chai pe charcha

I sat there on the comfortable sofa inside this pretty stylish cafe. I was waiting for someone. I did not know what it will be like meeting that person. No, this wasn't the first time I was meeting her. I was fidgeting around with my phone as I waited. I kept shuttling between looking around at the other people in the cafe and checking Facebook - almost feeling guilty every time I would get back to my phone because of my own personal hate of people checking their phones in social surroundings. I changed tables twice as I waited for her and now I was finally outside - the seat was nice, someone was smoking and there were gentle wafts of wind making me a passive smoker. It was, one can say, a perfect mix of anticipation, numbness and vulnerability.

And then she came. I did not know whether to get up and shake her hands or hug her or just be, while she took her seat. My blankness and numbness had started to show right away. Even before I could do something, she was already taking a seat right opposite me. (Thankfully), she changed her mind and shifted to the seat next to me instead. Alright, so she was here. What next, what next. Yeah, let me talk about the day - what's going on with her and all the happy-sad things. That should make for an indulging conversation and I should be able to participate without needing the strength to talk about my own day or my happy-sad things. If necessary, I might add some snippets from my own experiences to be able to better empathize with her. Yeah that sounded like a good game plan and that's how things progressed.

Coming back to anticipation, numbness and vulnerability. These remained the highlights of the entire conversation. I listened to her with anticipation. I really wanted to hear all that she had to say. I did not know if I would be able to understand all of it, or empathize with all of it, or help her in any way if she needed any. But that wasn't the point. I just wanted to listen to her. Numbness. Something that I have felt for a long long time now. I don't even remember when that started. It is that feeling when you will hear or see something extremely disturbing or violent or crazy - but none of that inner turmoil shows up on the face or in one's actions. I feel like a zombie - going on about the day like nothing really happened - while feeling pretty disturbed and guilty at the same time. And yes, vulnerability. This, in fact, is probably one of the most spiritually satisfying things I have felt since the recent past. I can choose to feel vulnerable, to drop my guard, with certain people. She was one of them. She also happens to be notorious about how she uses this to make me feel pretty bad about myself every time I meet her. I don't mind it though - in fact it almost feels cathartic.

So yeah. We chatted. We had our tea. I dropped her back home. And then I came back and wrote this.

January 18, 2015

Broken Record

This might seem like a recurring theme. And it often does not make sense. Nor does it seem simple. But then I love this song...

"Let Her Go"

Well you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go

Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you’re missin' home
Only know you love her when you let her go
And you let her go

Staring at the bottom of your glass
Hoping one day you'll make a dream last
But dreams come slow and they go so fast

You see her when you close your eyes
Maybe one day you'll understand why
Everything you touch surely dies

But you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go

....