I can't exactly remember the last time I felt like this… But no, there is a distinct sense of déjà vu. It has happened before. A similar state of affairs – when you are so confused you can't really figure out if you are happy or sad. You are not really depressed but you are not entirely sure what feeling to express or what feeling to enjoy. You feel… kind of dejected maybe.
I had a nice discussion today. A friend wanted to show me a book that she had read. So we met. The book is 'Illusions' by Richard Bach. It lies by my side as I write. But the book had hardly much to do with the chat. I am always excited when I talk to someone who is excited about talking about something! We chatted over stuff like – 'What is it that shapes a human in his/her lifetime? What influences the person to make a certain decision?' Pretty interesting huh! We discussed how a person who is following one line of thought religiously, when he comes across or suppose reads about a new line of thought might be influenced by it. The point being – you can never change an opinion about something unless you are ready to accept the new-found point of view with a mindset which is already biased towards the original point of view. Well, it basically boils down to your strength of belief in something.
We also talked about stuff like – 'Life after Life" – another book that she had read. She explained to me about the concept of NDE's and the feeling of calm that is experienced whenever we detach from our body. Pretty interesting stuff for two people who have spent a major part of their life thinking!
While we were chatting I somehow felt that I was trying to act a bit too mature – probably because my friend was more than two years younger and she kept repeating that "maybe I am not too mature to start applying all of these thoughts, or properly convinced as to what to do in life." We decided to meet sometime else again – well I was already late for something else on the list of things planned for the day.
It was a nice discussion. But more than anything else it forced me to think more about myself. I felt really strange – as if controlled – a rush of emotions triggered haphazardly by hormones rushing around in the body. Something was missing somewhere – as if sucked out of my body. I kept thinking about various people around me. I am still thinking about the various people around me. I am awestruck. These are the people who have shaped my life. They have influenced every opinion, every decision, every thought and emotion inside me. I am not what I am because of me – I am what I am because of what these people have made out of me. The real me never existed – my body never required one.
(Random thoughts of a boy who is just going to get over with his teenage life!)